CHESS JOKES
Get your jokes freely published and source acknowledged here. And to start you off, here is one I prepared earlier:
1) A few years ago I met, and was paired with this beautiful Russian budding grand master (or is it mistress - I think not) in the final round of a congress. She had long blond hair and was drop dead gorgeous, and I had been admiring her from afar for days (like you do).
She spoke with that soft, rich but clipped accent they have, slightly masculine in pitch and very dominant if you like that sort of thing - and I do.
Before the game I joked with her, half in truth of course, that if I won the game I would take her out for an evening and I would make love to her all night back at my place. She smiled sweetly and readily agreed knowing full well that Tony Blair would vote conservative before this could come true.
Not to be out done, and I had worked this out after several hours of thought the previous night , I said, " and if you win, you can make love to me". Completely unruffled she agreed, with a whimsical smile, which beguiled and bewitched my steam hammering heart and I thought,"I must be still good looking and still sexually attractive to the opposite sex after all".
So I opend with g4, forgot to castle and blundered my queen away after ten moves pretending that I did not see the discovered check and royal family fork combination with back rank mate to follow.
Believing that a loss was inevitable and my dreams would come true, I would marry her and emigrate back to Russia after the congress, I leaned back, smiling smugly, both hands clasped behind my head in a freudian act of complete submission.
Three moves later she imposed a perpetual check on my king with her vastly superior forces, stood up and walked out of the room without a word or a glance. I never saw her again.
It would seem that there aren't many chess jokes about as 12 months have elapsed with no contibutors so I thought I should extend the offer to any clean after dinner jokes from chess buffs. Here is the first from our very own secretary Richard:
2)
The Queen was entertaining a foreign dignitary from the impoverished remnants of our empire now known as the "developing world" (sounds much more PC than "3rd world country" don't you think). Part of the process was a triumphal parade in brilliant sunlight, down The Mall in an open top carriage pulled by four immaculate silky black horses with those plumes of pink flamingo feathers sprouting from their heads.
I understand that there was a time when such horses were trained to walk slightly sideways so as not to embarass Queen Victoria when they did what horses always do, at inopportune moments, from the manure department.
Anyway the lead horse enjoyed an almighty emission of greenhouse gases, the sound of which reverberated off the cheering crowds with their little paper flags, and gassed them to near death at the same time.
Hearing this beautifully rich sort of baritone / double bass sound, the Queen remarked that she was very sorry about that, but it was a perfectly natural event which just happened at the wrong time and in the wrong place whereupon the VIP said"Oh - and I thought it was one of the horses."
Thank you Richard for that cunning contribution.
3) This is a true story which happened to your webmaster.
Many years ago it was Christmas lunch time in our works canteen at Pilkingtons. The whole room was set out like a bingo hall with parallel tables, and was packed with boistrous diners waiting for their turkey and cranberry sauce offering. The atmosphere was jovial and oozed high spirits.
I had taken the precaution of coming early and getting as near as possible to the servery so that I would get served first by the temporary staff of waitresses who had been employed to cope with the 200 or so diners.
When the impromptu carol singing had subsided and an expectant hush descended on the diners wating for the first course, a very young, slim, attractive and nervous waitress, came towards me with one bowl of tomato soup and I thought, "Good, my plan worked, I am first to be served, and I won't have to wait to eat".
When she got within range, she leaned forward slightly and promptly let slip neatly, the bowl of luke warm soup from her trembling fingers, all down my front, all over my tie and all over my lap. Thank goodness it was not steaming hot.
Whereupon 200 people shouted, "Happy Christmas Nev".
To which I replied in a loud and steady voice, "Waitress - there's a soup in my fly."
4) Chess and bridge have a lot in common. For a start the rules of bridge say that once started, i.e. you have picked your cards up, you should not speak except to shout fire or to ask for a mirror to hold under another player's nose because they have gone strangely quiet with glassy or closed eyes.
They say that nature abhors a vacuum just like some personalites abhor silence, imposed or otherwise. Jack was one of these. You would have to put him in a space suit in the vaccum of space to get away from his droning, incessant, fatuous, platitudinous torrent of unrelated and random comments.
He would cause irreparable damage to the fabric of life in a trappist monastry. Nobody wanted to be his bridge partner because, to make matters worse, he was as deaf as a mummy and had a tendency to speak loudly.
One day he was at the bridge table with a lady partner whom he had not met before. The other two at the table were also ladies of some standing in the community whom he did not know. Inevitably the silence was broken by Jack within a nanosecond of it setting in.
His loud and introductory icebreaker was,"You ladies are extremely lucky. I cannot understand how you get permission off your husbands to leave them at home several nights a week, including Saturdays, whilst you gad about playing bridge".
"We are all widows," said one of them grimly.
You couldn't make it up could you?
These are 8 million people playing bridge and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty
(:>(
You may use the "Contact us" page if you have any amusing stories or jokes to tell. I promise to check the file once a week - honest.